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  My awkward, towering body approached her figure which had formed a vulnerable position right next to the huge man Roger Ethan. I was so intoxicated from the drug Chem 1 that when I reached her, my arm was outstretched, holding the phone. My hands opened without volition as I was shaking to drop it next to her and Roger Ethan. That was the closest I felt to death that night. Before I could tell if she picked up the phone, or if Roger Ethan saw my attempt to hand it over, I ambled off without trying to fetch either the phone or attention. I already felt I had enough from the people who worked there and yet the other gamblers barely noticed. My next goal was to find Macy and go home.

  *

  Circling the blackjack tables, I heard my own voice speaking to me for the first time. It was hers. The influence of Chem 1 is ephemeral and memorable, like a cold version of hell. I regret that I was so intoxicated I went from one end of the huge complex to the other in search of her.  My quest led me to the parking lot, where I gathered she was sitting in a vehicle from another call to Jed. I couldn't find my car, though.

  Eventually I panicked. I found a security guard who could have even been a police officer and desperately asked for help. Being strung out, it is surprising I wasn’t arrested. He interrogated me in good humor, probably suspecting I was on not worth jailing.

  “Who are you with?” he asked.

  I told him about Macy and her Mom. I said I couldn’t find my car, which is where Macy probably was. We walked to where I thought I had parked and I said she had stolen it.

  I found the car soon after the cop wrote his report and ramped up on the highway to leave but a trucker on the wrong side of the road tried to crash head-long into me. Reality was definitely taking a turn for the worst, because I imagined Mika had arranged a hit on me. She tolerated this in her patient way when I told her afterwards. But, should I have been the one who felt ratted out?

  I skidded to the side of the road and turned around and re-entered the casino parking lot. Itself was like an ashtray of cars which burned like cigarette butts. I saw a police vehicle.

  I wasn’t sure if she was being arrested. However, I did know that this was from where she monitored me. She shouted from the window I had lasted several hours and the car rolled away. That was an unreal yet calming vision. And I did think I was dead the entire time. She already knew me so well.

  I finally left, leaving her mother and her, and went back to Macy’s friend Anne’s apartment. Macy had given me Anne’s number beforehand in case the mission failed. Macy with her flip of red hair and her mother wearing a cowgirl jacket didn’t show up at all or even call me. Did I get her arrested? It was their plan after all. If it failed, it could not possibly be my fault, right? I was a newbie.

  Anne went restlessly to sleep. I passed out on her couch.

  Part 2

  Chapter 1

  I lived now with a nineteen year old woman (my age!) named Anne. I would never take Chem 1 again. It would interfere with debian and I made that very upfront. She was proud of me. She was going to AA and was off it too. Great. Her mother was young and caring and this was totally acceptable and cool to me. I tried to act suave for my new housemate. She was had just been hired by a marketing firm downtown called Cat Lady Marketing. She said she was very excited and that I should apply there because I was a writer and she was the only one there besides her boss. It was tempting to me and I was losing my willpower to say no. I could give my two-week’s notice and move in with her. I would have a higher paying job which utilized my skills better. I said I wasn’t ready for an important career, especially with my psychological issues at the time.

  “They love creative people,” she said. It was owned by local artists who were trying to make it big and they accepted anything new and anyone out of the ordinary.

  Would this be a repeat of what happened last time? I was terrified living with Macy before. Could I really do that to myself again? The new apartment was so nice and I think I truly loved Anne but did we have to be together? I remembered Macy was so much older than me.

  I applied for the job. When I got the call, my female friend screamed. I had to stay with her, for sure. I needed to show up in just three days with khakis and tie. The place had a large splash of paint on the back wall because it was a very creative environment. Thankfully, I was only tasked with filing at first.

  I was overwhelmed by my new job so I asked Anne out. She said yes but didn’t want a physical relationship. I guess I didn’t really either. Things were really looking up.

  The first day of work I lost track of several files. I would have gotten fired if I wasn't a newbie. They said to pay more attention to where they put things which made me wonder if they knew about my injury. It shouldn't have mattered. I could have even had a better chance at doing well if I told her but I decided not to.

  The company created online movies to market bands, artists, and even small businesses in the downtown area. It was expertly managed by a man named Daniel. He was the kind of boss that was open to anything being a creativity leader. He even said that I could try my hand at marketing, after I showed him my stories. But for now, we would stick to filing.

  Anne was especially interested in his offer. She said with our skills, we could totally reshape the marketing firm's strategies. Of this I was more than skeptical. Daniel intimidated me.

  “Anne, tell me what you know our boss. We can work based on that.”

  She showed her patience again and said it was none of my business.

  My boss Daniel was overly excited at work the next day. He was telling Anne that he had landed a great new client. It was a pharmaceutical house. A small branch of the pharmaceutical house, sure, but they were looking for experimental advertising proposals for their new medicine.

  Anne thought this was a huge deal. She screamed again, and then again when she saw the contract. Daniel's firm was being paid over $25,000 in advance for proposals for the medicine debian.

  It was the medication I took. It was the medication that changed my life, or that heralded a new period in my life at the least. I asked why debian and not something more everyday like aspirin. He said it was a very successful drug pharmacologically but the public stigmatized anti-psychotics. It was their job to improve its image as an answer for schizophrenics, bi-polar types, and depression sufferers. It was a great job for them and I was happy, too. But it seemed odd to me that the firm would be working on this medication. I thought secretly that I was going to brainstorm my own ideas about the project. After a week I showed Anne the idea.

  "Sex, huh? I thought you didn't want to have sex."

  "Well, it's a start right?" I said.

  I had written 3 pages out and printed them as a proposal for Daniel. The idea was to illustrate the drug as a sexual icon. In the commercial, fashion and sex appeal was intended to persuade the public that debian led to an improved sex life. I believed in the idea. I thought that, although I wasn't having sex, it was by choice and in fact I had grown out of childhood and into adulthood because of my prescription. It may have had something to do with the TBI, but without debian I wouldn't have felt whole, and my confidence would not have been there.

  Sex, the commercial displayed in large text with funny music (in the script) could be a good or a bad thing depending on the behavior related to it. Without debian to help, the behavior could be negative. debian was how to play hard to get and score the partner you were looking for. And sex was a healthy activity, the actor said, which cleansed the mind and body. Are you getting any sex? Are you expressing yourself in the most beautiful of ways with a partner? Call your doctor today.

  It was my innocence and upfront attitude that always made the older adults laugh when I was involved in any kind of sexual activity or discussion, and that's why Daniel thought my idea was so hilarious. I should have expected the dismissal, but I think he was impressed and encouraged me to try again.

  Anne's idea was less popular but overall of better quality.

  Two workdays later I made a
second attempt, this time of a more complex variety. I labelled the folder "Article 2" and put it on Daniel's desk.

  "What's this?" he asked.

  I became very nervous and started to grab it back as if I had accidentally placed it there. Ever since the accident I was more socially insecure.  But I gave it a shot, and thought ironically of the medicine, and said "Article 2 is the answer to your pharma contract."

  "Really now?" He was getting a little impatient. I thought he might not have liked my first idea as well as he had said.

  This script was all about inspiration. The actor tells a personal story about perseverance and how debian helped him remain strong until the last moments of a problem he had with his social anxiety. On debian, he could exercise his willpower in a new way that gave him more stamina and his problems were slowly but surely going away, because he could outlast them. Are you in for the fight? Talk to your doctor about your prescription to debian.

  Although Anne helped me with this one, too, it was quickly unapproved. Daniel told me to try again. This attempt was missing something important. I would have Article 3 ready in a week. 

  Chapter 2

  The apartment ceiling, between lofts, protected us from rain and leaves, although the wind was funneled through it making us cold when we would smoke cigarettes. The apartment itself was clean and grey-walled like caulking stick. Anne and I composed lengthy conversations about our lives, our ideas, and the world we lived in which was so different from what we thought when we were children. Anne recalled childhood better than I did. She said she was very lucky for her education which was the private school type. She thought most of all that by asking questions to herself inside her head was what helped her intellect.

  I would tell them that I remembered very little of my past, broken into codes like weathered cuneiform tablets. Each place I lived growing up was like its own lost civilization to me. I could remember that the people I knew always changed. Even my parents changed, or my dad at least. Anne said, "So your life was like playing musical chairs?"

  "I'd say that, yes. Or Guess Who. In the game you knock down faces through the process of elimination." I said, "My Mom's face never disappeared, and that's the only face which I remember always being there."

  If I quit fidgeting and sat there, my head filled with memories and ideas. I think it was debian. I could see new things, and actually visualize them and make judgments and connections. The conversations were long and fruitful when I paused like this. I could walk through my past and record new memories which were the same but from a different, adult perspective. I was nervous that maybe I was coding my brain. I told Anne that idea and she said, "Code for success. You code for inner peace and happiness. Sometimes I feel like I'm programming myself, too, when I'm going to face a very important challenge." Although she contributed to that idea, I think she was thinking about something else. Maybe she thought it was too weird.

  Anne had been brought up by amazing parents, and I envied her. But it was the jealousy which motivates friendships and keeps us close together. I was lucky that she had a support system in case mine failed. She tried to brush her classiness off by mentioning her difficulty in school, but led herself into a trap where she had to elaborate. Anne didn't want to talk about how she met Macy after high school, and what they had done together. I guess I wouldn't have either if I were a girl. Anne was very masculine and her obvious pride in her achievements like sobriety weren't typical of girls.

  Anne wanted to visit Italy. I promised I'd take her there when I had saved up enough.

  I had been promoted in my position at the firm to illustrator of promotional ads for the company on account of my drawing ability. Daniel said I was doing great, and when he was in an upbeat mood after lunch I showed him Article 3. I crossed my fingers in my head and said a sweet prayer to whatever deity oversaw marketing campaigns in heaven.

  Anne and I had worked on this one very closely together. In fact, I told her I would have to work out a way to give her credit for her help but she was entirely disinterested in that. She said that although the contract was large, it wasn't that big of a deal because the firm itself was very small. Anne and I essentially worked for a think tank. The ad would probably never be run, anyway. The firm was a content farm.

  The idea was more simple and direct than the others. In 30 seconds, an actor related the psychological histories of various famous people and their portrayal in the media. Despite their problems, they were on television and in magazines and in our lives. It was with the help of doctors and medication like debian that enabled them to succeed. Find your potential to be famous. Ask your doctor about debian.

  Daniel said it was indeed better than the rest. He asked why I focused so much on the pharm contract. I hadn't done anything else of this quality for the firm since I started. What was it?

  Should I tell him I'm on debian? I thought. Instead I told him that I was trying to be the exemplification of someone who is non-judgmental. I was so interested in the project because I felt bad for people on debian. He told me that after one more try, he would send my next idea to the client. He wanted two ideas at once this time. Each one was better than the last, so I should give it two tries. I liked the strategy. When I got home gave Anne a big hug for thanks. I was also desperate for her help. I felt it so important that I get it right this time. For another week, I tried to put my personal life with Anne on halt to develop two scripts to show my boss.

  Anne I think around this time was thinking about ending the relationship. She was jealous. I sincerely didn't want that to happen so I took her to a concert. She was a pretty girl who had been through a lot of the same stuff as me. I was lucky to be her boyfriend. She asked me if I wanted to have sex when we were kissing before the show. I said, after I finish Articles 4 and 5. She started crying.

  I couldn't take my mind off the proposals for the entire concert. When we got home, Anne and I went straight to her room and she asked what was wrong. She thought I had been ignoring her.

  "I'm so obsessive, I can't help it," I reluctantly explained. "Maybe it's a problem with debian. I need to go comfort her but you remember how sex messes up relationships. I want to devote more time to finish the proposals, and then we can talk about it."

  Anne said my work was important, too. I gave her another hug. I doubt we could have made it much longer after that if it wasn't for our job. Her friend Dana came over some nights.

  When I finished Article 4, I told them both I wanted their help in imagining the video. Did they want to be actresses for a night? Anne was willing. She had basically written the script herself. Dana was pretending to be excited to play their role. I gave them the scripts and started recording from a handheld camcorder I borrowed from the firm. I was going to record the two talking to each other and then add my own voice over from behind the cam. Instead of showing Daniel a folder, he would get to watch Article 4.

  ANNE

  Who am I? What am I doing here? What is my purpose in life?

  DANA

  You are in my head. You are a creation of mine. My goal is to help you help yourself.

  ADAM (VOICEOVER)

  Reality is perception. Reality is like a dream. Reality is (...)

  ANNE

  Reality is the self. I am myself. But you are you.

  DANA

  Correction: from my perspective, you are someone different than from your perspective. You are only how I perceive you. Reality is a dream.

  ANNE

  Reality.

  ADAM (VOICEOVER)

  Reality can be tough to understand. Sometimes we forget who we are and wonder what other people think of ourselves. It's going to be okay with the help of DEBIAN. Soon, you'll feel that …

  ANNE

  I am in control of my own self, and my own reality. I am awake.

  ADAM (VOICEOVER)

  Talk to your doctor about DEBIAN today.

  We watched the video together and each one of us thought it to be perfect. I eagerly want
ed to show Daniel Article 4 before finishing Article 5 but he had asked me to send both at once so I had to wait.

  When Article 5 was painstakingly edited and neatly printed into a folder, I went to bed and waited until morning.

  Chapter 3

  Daniel liked the final one best.

  It was about the other. The people in the world, your city, your friends, and your family, they are the other. Others are the people you pray for and try to be nice to. Others include all living things like animals and plants. So much of the other will die, and you must aspire to feel compassion and empathy for them. The only thing a person must care for besides the other is the self. The commercial asks the question, do you care for yourself and others? Maybe your personality disorder is getting in the way of relationships. debian can help. Ask your doctor today.

  The main purpose of the commercial was to wake people up about stigma about psychological disorders. Daniel said it tastefully worked to inspire individuals with those disorders to seek help. He told me he would submit each proposal to the pharmaceutical house and see what they thought while commending me for going above and beyond the call of duty. I said I was obliged to contribute something. After all, I was hired on account of my own creativity.

  "The pattern of your proposals reminds me of something I learned when I was studying religion in college," he said. "Have you ever heard the word, Mettā?"

  I said no. “The word,” he said,” means peace-loving kindness.” He told me that in order to achieve Mettā consciousness, a person must first love oneself. When he has loving kindness for himself, and only then, he must love an outer entity. The person starts with close friends, and moves on to having loving kindness for someone who is just an acquaintance, and then an enemy. Eventually, the follower can find love for all life and then the entire universe, and then he has achieved a state called Mettā consciousness.

  I said it was very interesting. I wanted to tell him about archetypes and Iris but it felt wrong. Macy had wanted me to keep it a secret, or she would have revealed more. I told him I would look it up online.

  "Such concepts are only for the spiritually curious. You seem to be a very intelligent person," he said. “You could get a lot out of it.” I thanked him. The rest of the day was full of thoughts of the universe and its hugeness. The environment was perfect for that.